The worst feeling in the world.

Original post: October 22, 2007

After a bit of consideration, I've decided it's safe to post this here after posting it on Facebook first. (10-21-07) Also, please note the addition at the end.

You wanna know what the worst feeling in the world is? It's not physical pain, like giving birth, or cracking your femur. No, it's going out and having a good time with someone you really like and knowing that, at the end of the day, you're not going to be the one she kisses good night.

It started last night. She texted me and asked if I wanted to go on a haunted hayride thing tonight with some of her friends. I agreed, but soon after, she changed her mind and wanted me to do a charity walk for Autism instead, which I found out later was because her boyfriend flaked out on her. Plus, she knew her other friend would flake out on the hayride, so she was covering all the bases. Sure, I like walking. And it's for a good cause. So, we met at the Starbuck's in Bordentown, 'cause she needed a fix, and we headed to Mercer County Community College.

Right from the start, we were having a great time. I really got to be myself around her. Sarcasm, puns, innuendo, double entendres. You name it, I had it in my bag of tricks. She loves that kind of stuff, so I was really charming the pants off of her (so to speak). And she was dishing it right back at me. And I was loving every second of it (she doesn't need to charm me to get my pants off, though...) We have such incredibly similar personalities, she's like a female version of me. Which is perfect. That's what I've been looking for my entire life. Of course, finding what you're looking for and actually getting it are two entirely different things. I digress...

After the walk, she wanted to get concert tickets at the Quakerbridge Mall. I'm all for spending more time with her, so I tagged along. We looked at the posters in F.Y.E., wandered around the Halloween store for a bit, then we headed out. It was on the way back to Bordentown that I dropped the bomb on her:

"Can I ask you something without you getting weird?"
"Uhh... I don't know if I can make that promise."
"Okay...."

Then, the awkward silence. I wanted to word it just right, and I'm very rarely at a loss for words, so we both got a little scared.

"Why is it you'll never give me a chance?"
"Well, I think it's mostly due to bad timing..."

Whenever she starts talking to me again after disappearing for a few months, she is always dating someone. Sometimes they're happy, other times they aren't. The fact is there's always someone, and I'd never wanna be the guy that helped her cheat. Ever. So, I'm basically stuck hanging out with her very rarely and hoping she realizes that she's amorously infatuated with me after all. Back to the conversation:

"Another reason is that I think you're so great, and I wouldn't want something to happen that would make me think less of you."
"Like what?"
"It turns out that most of the guys I date are okay in the beginning, but then they become jerks, and I don't wanna do that to you."
"Well, that means they were jerks to begin with..."

And that's another point I will never get across to her; I'm not a jerk. Unfortunately, with her experience, there's no way to convince her that it's true. So many guys have told her that in the past, then showed her what assholes they really are that it's skewed her idea of when people are speaking the truth.

"I don't change for anyone, in a good or bad way. Besides, you like me just the way I am..."
"I don't want to end up hurting you..."
"Technically, you've already done that."

Re: Last April, when I was there to help her decide to break up with her boyfriend. I suggested that she date me instead, and she almost went along with it. She wanted some time to be single, and I respected that. Then, she started dating one of her ex's again. That was the last time I lost touch with her until she found me on MySpace a couple months ago.

"All I'm asking you is to just give me a chance."
"It's not fair to say that while I'm seeing someone..."
"Well, whenever I see you, you're with someone, so if I don't say it now, it won't get said..."

Then we hugged and I got in my car. And I had the most depressing car ride of my life. Don't worry, I feel way better now that I wrote all this down.

I got to have a chat with my mother about what happened:

"Remember: Nice guys get the nice girls in the end."
"Yeah, but I'm so far back that I can't see anyone else in the race. I'm not even sure if I'm still in the race anymore."
Dad: "There's gotta be some single girls out there."
"You'd think that, but you'd be surprised."

And that's the real reason behind all this. I don't think it's her, per se, that I get so crazy over. It's the feelings that get brought up. Loneliness, mostly. Six years of girls turning you down because they're already seeing someone can send you in a spiral, if you let it. I was at the point for a while where I almost thought there was nobody left for me. Until I got rejected by a single gal I met at a party. Then I knew it was true.

In this case, however, it irritates me to know that, even though she likes me and thinks I'm awesome in every way imaginable, she'll date a bunch of guys that turn out to be douchebags because she doesn't want to tarnish the flawless image of me that she's created. That's really sweet, but in my head, it's like she'll give everyone but me a chance (a fact that I ultimately decided I shouldn't bring up to her, because it sounds like I'm calling her a whore, which is totally incorrect).

Later on, I texted her again:

"Just out of curiosity, if you were in the situation where you were single and you hadn't disappeared from my life, would you consider dating me?"
"Of course."
"Even though you don't wanna turn me into a jerk, as you put it?"
"I said I'd consider it..."
"I did word it like that, didn't I?"
"Yes, sir."

Sadly, I'm not sure if that situation will ever come up. ::sigh::

Oh, dear, I seem to have rambled for quite some time. Oops. I feel much better after getting this off my chest, though. Thanks for sticking with my rantings.

Editor's note:
Since I wrote this, I've decided that I'm not going to ask her all the hardball questions that I do anymore. I think I've actually got all the answers I was looking for, and you know what? I'm content with them. From now on, I'm just gonna cherish the time we actually get with each other. I'll work my usual charm, of course, and if something happens, it happens. We'll make the best of what we've got.