Why I hate girls, but am still totally not gay.

Original post: July 29, 2006

I was working in the drive-up window on Friday afternoon when Sherry comes downstairs and tells me she's got a winner for me. "To whom do you refer?" I ask. "She's back at Penny's desk. I'm gonna print out something to the laser printer. Go get it for me."

So, I walk up the steps and back to the printer, which is located right behind scenic Penny's Desk. Before I got there, I could see what she was talking about. Short black dress, curly red hair surrounding a gorgeous face. Legs like you couldn't imagine. Mmmm... Penny came back to her desk to open her new account, and I averted my eyes (like you do) and walked back to my station. Sherry gave me the "You like?" expression, and I gave her the nod of approval.

"I sent Penny a tickler that says 'Get as much info as possible. Ian thinks she's cute.'"
"Gnarly."

For those of you not in the know, a tickler is a kind of interoffice instant message. Back to the story.

So, I got back to work, and she left. Sherry came over and said, "She's 24, she lives in an apartment down the street, and she works for a medical office."
"She's probably rollin' in the dough," says Zach.
"Yeah, I bet," I say.
"What's her name? We'll look her up on MySpace."

Ah, that's always a good nugget of wisdom from Zach.

"If I can get you this girl," said Sherry, "You'll owe me."
"Yeah, totally. Things might actually be looking up for me..."

Before I left for the day, I got her name and set out on my mission. Within ten minutes of walking in my room, I was on MySpace, looking for answers that I already knew in the back of my mind.

I found her. And the answer is: She has a boyfriend. Just like they all do. And it looks to be serious, too. But, then again, what do I know? I haven't been in any serious relationship in five years.

I saw Zach online a few hours later and sent him the link. "Dude, these boyfriends all have to die. I'll take 'em out, Goodfellas style."

Thanks, Zach.

And this is the reason I get so pissed off. There are no single girls my age.

Allow me to rephrase: There are no single girls my age that I'd want to be seen in public with.

Don't get me wrong, I know that personality is more important, but nobody reading this can honestly say that looks play no part in their relationship. You have to be at least somewhat attracted to the person you're sleeping with. You don't wanna be walking around with some hideous fucking C.H.U.D. on your arm, do you? Even Anne fucking Frank could see that. (thanks, Kevin Smith!)

Eh, maybe my standards are too high...