War Wounds

Don't know why this story popped into my head, but it did. When I was about four years old, I had gotten what was essentially rugburn on the back of my neck. Turns out I had taken a blanket or something similar and rubbed it vigorously back there while imitating something I had seen Steven Tyler do with his crazy microphone in an Aerosmith video. It hurt like Hell. The moral of the story: Steven Tyler is a terrible role model.

Death

Well, I need a new computer. No ifs ands or buts. It's been dead for weeks, but everytime I told someone what was happening to it, I got a different answer. "You contracted a Trojan virus. You'll need to wipe your hard drive and start over." "Sounds like your RAM crapped out. Try getting a new one." After that didn't work: "It's probably your motherboard." Fuck this. I'm not getting my hopes up on this piece of shit anymore. I'll just have to deal with the fact that I won't get any of those files back ever again. Hopefully I can still get my music off of my iPod, that's all I really need to worry about. Everything else (except my novella) can be replaced. Yikes. After checking into some options, I found that I can get a laptop with the same size hard drive and a faster processor for about $350. Rather than replacing it with a new desktop tower that has a MUCH larger hard drive (640GB), that I'll never use all of, for more money, I think I'll have to go with that.

Video games

Recently, I bought the latest in the Mario & Luigi RPG series: Bowser's Inside Story. And I absolutely loved it. Clever dialogue, slapstick, fun gameplay and characters, etc. It was all really great stuff. I was checking out the message boards for it and the internet people were saying that, yes it was a great game, but the first one, Superstar Saga, was just as good, if not better. They also said that the middle installment, Partners in Time, was absolute ass. Since I loved the newest one so much, I decided I wanted to play the other two as well, even if the second one wasn't so good.

I went to the local Gamestop for a used copy (new copies run over $30) and I hated it. I didn't even finish it. Unresponsive controls, timed mini-games that require luck rather than skill (I played the one game 40 times before I could even finish it), horrible dialogue (I was told the game was "hilarious"), terrible graphics and sound which should have been better even though it was only a Gameboy Advance game (GBA was capable of so much more), amongst other things. I don't think I even made it a third of the way into the game before I took it out and got my money back. I was kinda upset that I didn't like it at all, but I COULDN'T. It was a damn shame.

At the same time, I ordered a used copy of Partners in Time off of eBay, and I'm enjoying it a lot more. Better controls, humor, etc. There's no exploration factor to it; the main story gets forced on you and there's nothing extra to do, so that's a minus, but Suprstar Saga was so goddamn boring. Seriously, everyone who said the first one was good need to not be living any longer.

Running for President

Cheri came up with this idea the other day and I decided we should run for President with it as our platform. I'm not sure she agrees with me.

Anyway, we're gonna run for Co-President. We'll share the office. Our whole big thing is we're going to implement a new system of employment. If you're out somewhere, and you see someone who is not doing their job well at all, you get to take their job. At first, just for a week, to see if you can do better than they were doing. And you can't just go in to a random place and claim that they're fucking up just to get a job. You have to provide proof in some fashion so that it's justified. If you don't succeed, no harm done, that person gets to keep their job until someone else catches them being stupid. But if you do a better job, you get to keep it and they're out on their ass. It would completely streamline how the world works, after the initial chaos of course. Only snag I can see is Cheri and I would make terrible Co-Presidents. We would make it into office, implement the plan, then immediately get our jobs taken by someone else.

The Boy Who Cried Birthday

Cheri and I went to TGI Friday's for dinner last night. As we ate, someone was having a birthday and the staff got together to sing and dance for them. That's not unusual. I really wanted to just pick a random table, tell the waitress we knew them and that it was their birthday, then watch the diner be confused as people started singing and giving them pastries. Small catch: they'd expect me to pay for the dessert. Then I had an even better idea. If I worked at one of these restaurants, I would pay five bucks or whatever to get a dessert, then gather everyone together to sing for random tables, birthday or not. I can't get in trouble: the dessert is paid for, and everyone would have to do it, because they'll get in trouble if they don't. Yes, everyone would hate me, but it would be so worth it. If I do it long enough, I'll find someone else who would enjoy it as much as I do, and we'll be BFFs. Plus they'd split the price with me, and that's savings everyone can enjoy.

Sizes

Businesses need to stop listing Medium as the smallest size on their menus. The definition of "medium" is "something intermediate in nature or degree." If there's nothing before it, it can't be called medium.

Alphabet

As far as I'm concerned, it should be called "Double-Vee" not "Double-You"

Candy

Lollipops are called Lollipops. Not "Taffies". They're not made of taffy, look like taffy, or have any of the general qualities that make taffy what it is. Please stop confusing me with your incorrect noun usage.

Also, they're sprinkles, not jimmies. They're called such because you sprinkle them on top of things. Have you ever heard of someone jimmying something on top of ice cream?

Lunchtime Blues

Here's a note to the people that go to a fast food place for lunch for the whole office: Order all the food at one time. Don't come in with a list of everyone's food and order them all separately. I went to Wendy's today and there was, not one, but two people in front of me that did this. TWO! You're holding up the line, which is already long because there's only one register open, but that's beside the point. Before you leave work, you put the whole list in a neat order and lump the cash together so you can easily pay, and then order at the counter in a concise manner. Don't tell me it's because everyone wants exact change back, because that's a lie. NOBODY wants back exact change from that. And if they do, they deserve a punch to the scrotum (or whatever passes for a female counterpart). If they get change, there's an easy way to figure it out. LOOK AT THE RECEIPT! Why do you think they give you one, asshole?! I spent 20 minutes waiting for these window-lickers to finally finish their 19,000 orders so I could go about my business. All those people should be drug out into the street and shot.

Lunch

Seems like someone at work is stealing my bread. I bought a whole loaf last week, and it's mostly gone already. One man alone eating one sandwich a day could not have managed that. I went around asking everyone if they had eaten some of it. I wasn't going to get mad, just wanted to find out who it was and let them know not to do it from now on. Nobody fessed up. So, I can conclude two possibilities from this: 1. Somebody is lying, or 2. the cleaners did it. Both of those scenarios is completely plausible. Guess maybe I should just keep my bread at home from now on...

Lolz

Things about the ceremony that made me want to giggle but I couldn't because I was in the bridal party and had to restrain myself:

Bowing our heads for prayer and Ralph's shoes making a farting noise. Or he just farted. I'm still not sure about that.

Anna's dad (who did the whole ceremony) telling Ralph that he had to "be like Jesus in the relationship." Those who went to high school with Ralph will know why that's funny.

Also, having Anna's dad putting Ralph "in charge" of Anna. Cause that's a good idea.

I'll post more if I think of it. I was just happy that there was wine and cake.

The Speech

This is my Best Man's speech for Ralph. I wrote it with two things in mind: 1) To make Ralph and our other friends laugh. 2) To offend anyone who doesn't know us. I think it went well in that respect. Coming soon: Things about the ceremony that made me lol. Enjoy!

Okay, so this is gonna be short. Mostly because I was told that I shouldn’t say anything that will A) embarrass Ralph, or B) get Ralph in trouble with Anna. So, in light of all that, I’m not going to mention the time that he got the wedgie in the back of the band bus and he ultimately got in trouble for it (thanks for reminding me about that last week, BTW) and I won’t mention the time we were all playing Boggle and Ralph found that dirty word and he had to carefully explain to half of the room what it meant. I’m not getting into any of that. (pause for laughter)

I’ve known Ralph since Middle School. My earliest memory of him was having my friend talk me into letting him in my house, and he spent about 20 minutes walking in a circle through my kitchen, dining room and living room, which were all connected. Then, for a while, I remember really hating him. Honestly, I can’t remember why. If you look in my senior yearbook, you’ll find Ralph right at the top of my Dislikes. It wasn’t until after I graduated high school that we really starting hanging out. His wacky antics have proved to be the perfect remedy for a boring Tuesday evening. Throughout all of that time, I found myself thinking on occasion, “This guy’s funny, but nobody’s gonna want to date him.” Don’t get me wrong; he’s a great guy, just eccentric. Then, a few short years ago, he met Anna. And she was perfect for him. Mostly because she’s willing to put up with his shenanigans. And she makes him happy. And I couldn’t be happier for them. I wanna wish them the best of luck in their lives together.

On that note, I would like to propose a toast. To the happy couple. May the marriage be long and the fights be short.

And if anyone wants to hear the rest of that Boggle story, I’ll be at table 6.

Daytime TV

I was just watching the Price is Right and I had to tell you about this. The lady that got the chance to come on stage walks kinda slow and Drew was going "You've got a long way to go, and a short time to get there" to kind of encourage her. Then, she got on stage and told how she was in a car accident and couldn't walk, and how she was so happy to be able to make it up on stage without any help. It was all so sweet. Then Drew goes, "Well, here's what you could win!" and the only thing I thought was "It's a new set of wheelchairs!!!!!"

Quarters

Hey, you guys remember how for the past 7,000 years America has been minting quarters for every state? And you could put them in the collector's "map" that had holes for all 50 of them? Well, they finished up with that by the end of last year with Hawaii. Hooray, the collection is complete! But what's this? In January, they started making quarters for D.C. First of all, that's dumb, because it's not a state. Second, there's no place for it on the map, so do the American people have to get an entirely new map? And third, if they're going that far, why don't they go into Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands, etc? Guess what? They are! On top of all that, there's now a vote out for Delaware residents to vote on the image to be printed on their next quarter!! They're starting this crap ALL OVER AGAIN! Here's a great way to stimulate the economy. Spend money to make a special quarter, then have the public trade in $10 for a roll of said quarters that will never be spent on anything because it's a collector's item that should never see the light of day again. Way to go, America!

Chocolate: An Addendum

If Mr. Reese had been selling feces rather than pieces of sweet, sweet candy, I could make an exception to the pronunciation. Thank "god" he didn't. Thanks to Christina for pointing that out to me.

Email

I hate the email server at work. I've been trying to send out emails all morning and they only get there after I send about 16 to that person...

Breakfast

Whoever invented waffles should be nominated for sainthood, if they haven't been already.

Customers

When you call a business, like a bank, with a specific topic in mind, please state all important facts at the beginning of the conversation.

Case in point:
Caller: I was told to call back after Wednesday if my brother didn't get his income tax forms from you by then. I do all his banking for him.
Me: Okay... What's his name?
Caller: (Name and address withheld.)
Me: And you are...?
Caller: (Name and address withheld.)
Me: Well, your brother's going to have to call us or come in to verify himself because you're not on this account or even in our database.
Caller: Well, he can't be doing that. He died on Monday.

You couldn't bring that up in the first place? That seems like something I should know in order to have the conversation you're looking for.

After I told Bernadette about it, she says, "Well of course he didn't get it. They don't mail up there!"
And that's why I like my boss.

Cleaners

The cleaners at my job are an odd bunch. On one corner of my desk, I keep my name plate, business cards, and various signs stating policies and such. I like to keep that in a specific order. If I place it in that fashion, and the cleaners come that night, I will find them in a different order the next morning. However, if I leave it the way they put it, it won't be touched the next time they're around. What's even weirder is they never put it the same way twice, so I know they don't have a specific set-up that they like. It's like they know which way I prefer to set up my desk and purposely mess it up when they see it like that. Dicks.

A Letter

To the guy in the BMW that is tailgating me:

Why are you doing that? I'm going to get out of my car at the next light and take a dump on your windshield. Thank you.

Sincerely,
Ian Matthew Borgstrom III, Esquire

Snow

Whenever there's the slightest bit of snow in New Jersey, everyone clogs the stores to stock up on supplies to "tough out the blizzard." They always get the same things: Bread, milk and eggs. No more, no less. Because, obviously, the prefered food of winter storms is French Toast.

Chocolate

For the last time, Reese's Pieces is not pronounced Reesy's Peeseys. His name was Reese, and they were his pieces. You don't ask for two peeseys of paper, do you?

Denny's

I'm kinda pissed off that I missed the free Grand Slam breakfast at Denny's today. Destroying my toilet later would've totally been worth it.

Girl Scouts

Did you know that the Girl Scouts of America can waltz into any place of business with their cookies and set up shop without telling them specifically? I just found that out the other day. Must be nice to have that kind of power...

Heroes

I just realized that Sylar is a lot like Superman, in that he has too many powers. Only difference is that Sylar had to kill people to get those powers, which makes him infinitely better.

Winnings.

I'm excited about winning $180 on the Super Bowl last night. Considering I wasn't going to play the block pool at all, I think I made a great decision. Thanks to Ken for telling me if I buy four blocks and win one, I've made my money back. Good advice. Sorry you didn't win anything, though...

Endings.

I found out today that I absolutely hate giving away the ending to shows or movies. To the point that I yell at someone when they want to know way before we get to the ending.

80's TV.

Anybody remember how season two of Charles in Charge started with Charles coming home from summer camp to a completely different family and by the end of the episode he was totally fine with it? Just thought I'd mention it. Thanks to Ken for getting the theme song stuck in my head.