The Speech

This is my Best Man's speech for Ralph. I wrote it with two things in mind: 1) To make Ralph and our other friends laugh. 2) To offend anyone who doesn't know us. I think it went well in that respect. Coming soon: Things about the ceremony that made me lol. Enjoy!

Okay, so this is gonna be short. Mostly because I was told that I shouldn’t say anything that will A) embarrass Ralph, or B) get Ralph in trouble with Anna. So, in light of all that, I’m not going to mention the time that he got the wedgie in the back of the band bus and he ultimately got in trouble for it (thanks for reminding me about that last week, BTW) and I won’t mention the time we were all playing Boggle and Ralph found that dirty word and he had to carefully explain to half of the room what it meant. I’m not getting into any of that. (pause for laughter)

I’ve known Ralph since Middle School. My earliest memory of him was having my friend talk me into letting him in my house, and he spent about 20 minutes walking in a circle through my kitchen, dining room and living room, which were all connected. Then, for a while, I remember really hating him. Honestly, I can’t remember why. If you look in my senior yearbook, you’ll find Ralph right at the top of my Dislikes. It wasn’t until after I graduated high school that we really starting hanging out. His wacky antics have proved to be the perfect remedy for a boring Tuesday evening. Throughout all of that time, I found myself thinking on occasion, “This guy’s funny, but nobody’s gonna want to date him.” Don’t get me wrong; he’s a great guy, just eccentric. Then, a few short years ago, he met Anna. And she was perfect for him. Mostly because she’s willing to put up with his shenanigans. And she makes him happy. And I couldn’t be happier for them. I wanna wish them the best of luck in their lives together.

On that note, I would like to propose a toast. To the happy couple. May the marriage be long and the fights be short.

And if anyone wants to hear the rest of that Boggle story, I’ll be at table 6.