The only person keeping you from doing anything is you.

Original post: August 10, 2006

After working until 7:00 tonight, I was quite content to sit in my room and watch DVD's the rest of the evening. Ralph had already asked if I wanted to go to Don Pablo's after his meeting, but I thought it would be too late, so I declined. At 8:40, he texted me, asking if I wanted to go then. I had some major thinking to do. Greasy food that will make me sick in the morning, or Beast Wars on DVD.

"Sure, let's go to Don Pablo's. Come get me."

Upon arrival, Ralph checked to see how much money was left on the gift card he received. He stated there was only $11 left, and I should pick up the rest.

"I thought you were supposed to be treating me with that."
"I was, but I must've spent it on other people."

Great, I thought I was getting a free meal tonight. So, we go in and get a table. We ordered our very simple meals, just like always. Then, Ralph lays this on me:

"You know, Diana and I are becoming real friendly."
"Who?"
"The waitress here that you like."
"Oh yeah?"
"Yeah, I came here with Anna the other day, and Diana came over and started talking to us. She wasn't even our waitress."
"How nice for you."
"Something wrong?"
"People just flock to you. It's incredible. There's some days where I wish I could be like you... Only better looking."
"Well, you gotta be more outgoing. Annoying, even."
"Yeah, well, I can't."
"Why not? What's stopping you?"
"Upbringing?"
"No. You. The only person keeping you from doing anything is you."

That's the truest statement I've ever heard. Even truer than, "This is a sentence." Take this situation, for instance. Yeah, I've got a crush on Diana, but I'm not going to do anything about it. Why? Because I know she has a boyfriend. "What if you didn't know that fact?" you may ask. Well, I would still be nervous as anything trying to talk to her, but I could overcome that. That's not a problem. I've been getting better about that sort of thing. However, I know she's already seeing somebody, so I don't want to be the reason behind someone's breakup. That would be something I'd always feel guilty about if it were to happen. So, I just avoid it at all costs. Which is most of my problem, I think. I don't want to be single anymore, and I've already proven that there are no single girls my age. But, I don't want to be a catalyst in something that would ultimately make me happy, but hurt somebody else. I can't seem to get out of this circular track I call my mind.

Anyway, Ralph spent the rest of our time there trying to get Diana's attention by yelling, "Diana's a big, fat loser!" I suggested we get the waiter from the next table over to go tell her for him.

"That's a great idea, 'Excuse me, I know you're not our waiter, but would you tell Diana she's a big fat loser? Thanks.'"
"That would be great."

Right about then, I started to eat slowly, feeling like everything on my inside wanted to be on my outside. Ralph became concerned.

"You gonna throw up or something?"
"I don't know. Maybe."
"That would be terrible. To finally get Diana to come over here, and have you promptly vomit on her."
"But, she'd remember me, then."
"Nothing more memorable than getting puked on."
Our waitress: "Everything all right over here?"

I proceeded to revisit my dinner all over her.

At least, I would have, if I knew how to take a perfect comedic cue like that one.

So, as we were waiting for the bill, Diana finally came over, and I spent the whole time avoiding eye contact. The whole situation depressed me, and I just didn't want to talk to her right then. I wanted to get out of the building as quickly as my legs would take me. I'm sure the way I was acting totally ruined any kind of good impression I may have made on her at any point in the past, but I don't really care anymore. I've already decided that I'm not going to do anything about this. That's just my nature. I can't change it.

I want to just sleep the rest of my life away.