Whatever happened to just being called shy?

Original post: August 6, 2006

I hate large groups of people. By large, I mean more than five people, including myself. Case in point: I went to Dan's last night because he and Kate were begging me to show up. I caved and I went, 'cause there was only going to be a handful of people there.

It ended up being Dan, Jim, Rob (whom I hadn't met before) and myself playing Texas Hold 'em while Kate played Solitaire on the computer. That was all good until I ran out of chips.

Then, as it turns out, Jim had invited nearly everyone he works with at Red Lobster. Starting to feel uncomfortable... That meant I was going to have to interact. That's something I don't like doing.

So, people started showing up, and I was forced outside to make idle chit-chat. That's okay. I don't mind that. It's every second after that that gets to me.

I don't mind meeting one person. That's a lot easier. I can be myself pretty much and I can respond to how they act accordingly. But when they show up in a group, they always do the same thing:

1) Introduce themselves in a nice manner, and
2) Go back to talking to each other as if I wasn't there.

It's never something I feel comfortable talking about, either. So, I'll stand there for thirty seconds, realize I don't fit in, and go sit in the corner for a while.

Last night was no exception. I ended up sitting down and avoiding eye contact with everyone until I couldn't take it anymore and left.

What the hell is wrong with me? Jim called it the Social Anxiety Disorder, but whatever happened to just being called shy? Everything's gotta have technical jargon attached to it these days. It makes people feel smarter, I guess.

Also, I don't like being in a place where everyone is drinking and smoking, because I do neither. There's nothing like feeling left out to make you miserable. So, I'm sitting there, not drinking, not smoking, and not talking, and I'm thinking, Why the fuck am I still here? I don't fit in at all.

I came home, finished the Star Wars book I was reading, and went to sleep, knowing that this is the only place I really feel like myself. How sad is that?