An afternoon at the movies.

Original post: December 24, 2007

Apparently, this Christmas season is the time for me to be disappointed by any movie I see in the theater. Chris and I went to see The Golden Compass today, and it was no exception. Be warned: This blog contains possible spoilers, so if you still insist on seeing this horrendous piece of garbage after what I have to say, shy away. Everyone else, read on.


I went into this film with a clear conscience: I haven't read the book. I was completely unbiased in my viewing of the movie. Even if I had, I'd still think this was a waste of two hours.

For starters, if you can find a plot somewhere in this film, please let me know. I found it to be quite lacking in that department. On top of that, there was no motivation for any of the characters to do anything that was happening. On top of that, there were no transitions between scenes.

With that said, let me elaborate. Even after discussing with Chris, we couldn't come up with a suitable answer to the question, "What is going on here?" Everything seemed very rushed, and they tried to cram as much as possible into it. Why? We don't know. What we do know is that it was very hard to follow.

And that leads to the next point. It started off with the girl's uncle getting a grant to start an expedition in Iceland in order to find... I'm not sure what. So, why's he going? Never explained. We'll have to wait for the sequels, I guess. So, after that, this crazy bitch named Mrs. Coulter shows up and decides that she's going to take the girl to Iceland herself. Why would she do such a thing? It turns out she's the girl's mother, but that really doesn't seem to make any difference to the story. And her "uncle" out on the expedition is really her father. So what? It's got nothing to do with anything. The heads at the college she lives at give her an althiometer, which has the ability to "tell the truth." Dumbest idea ever. After leaving England, the girl finds out that Mrs. Coulter is actually involved somehow with the Gobblers. Who are they? Good question. I'm sure that the reveal of Mrs. Coulter's involvement at that point would have been much more poignant if they had explained what they were, what they were doing, etc. Turns out they're kidnapping children and cutting out their souls, which are manifested outside the body in the form of an animal. After she finds that out, she ends up hooking up with the nomad group called the Gyptians. Seems they've been watching her on the order of her "uncle" but they never say why. While at a pit stop, the althiometer tells her she's going to find someone to help her at the town she's in. Suddenly, a cowboy pilot (played typecastedly by Sam Elliot) walks up and introduces himself. Why? Possible pedophile is my opinion. He then tells her that she should have an armored bear (wtf?!?!) with her if she's going somewhere dangerous. Just so happens there's one in town, but he's a drunk mess. (Confused yet?) The townspeople stole his armor, so he's basically stuck there. She uses the compass to find out where the armor is, and in return for that info, the polar bear is indebted to her. They continue their trek North, and she sees a lakehouse in the compass. She takes the bear to save her friend at the house and returns him to his Gyptian family. Then, for no apparent reason, she shows up by herself at the land of the icebears. While there, she manages to talk the king into fighting her bear friend, who happens to be the true heir to the throne, to the death. When he shows up, she cries and apologizes because there's no possible way for him to win. Why is she so sad for him? There was absolutely no character development between them. She met him in the town, got his armor, rode him to save her friend, then back again. They didn't do anything else. Why is she so attached all of a sudden?! And why is she going off on her own and picking fights with strange polar bears? Stupid little bitch. Anyway, the bears fight, and he ends up ripping the traitor's juggular out (which was pretty cool, I'll admit). Then she finds where they're hiding the kids, finds out Mrs. Coulter's her mother and Asriel is her father, then she runs away and rescues the kids. Then, there's the big fight between the Gyptians, with Sam Elliot and the bear, and the Russian army (?) whose daemons (souls) are all wolves (?!). They mop the floor with 'em with the help of the "witches" that show up out of nowhere and have no apparent motivation to do anything (they're a bit like the U.S. Calvary, coming in right at the end of the picture...), then they fly off in Sam Elliot's ship to give the compass to her "uncle", who has made a deal with the people who captured him (?!?) to do something for them. And they ended it there. Cliffhanger for a sequel that, I hope, won't get made. Now are you confused? I was in the first twenty minutes.

And after all that, they had no reason to go anywhere. They were at the college, then they went to Iceland for no reason, then they picked up a pedophile cowboy and a polar bear on a whim, then they picked a fight for no reason whatsoever, saved a bunch of kids, then flew off into the sunset, all with no explanation for doing it. "Hey, I'm feel like taking this girl who's secretly my daughter to the middle of nowhere with me, but you don't need to know why." What the fuck was I watching?

I thought it might be interesting to see what was getting the Catholics into such an uproar over it, but I didn't see much, if anything. Then again, I'm not much of a Catholic, so it'd be lost on me anyway.

I want my money back.