"S" is for "Stalker."

Original post: March 18, 2006

Well, faithful readers, I've managed to do it again. Thursday night, at Don Pablo's (where else?) Ralph and I had this great waitress named Diana. I thought she was cute. I flirted. She flirted..... Ralph flirted, unfortunately.... When it came time to pay, we left a big tip (which is probably why she was flirting in the first place, but I'm getting ahead of myself) and I wrote my number on the check. Not the first time. Nor the last, I'm sure. So, on the way home, Ralph suggests that I try to look for her on this glorious online community known as Myspace. I'm not usually one to do things that could be considered, in some circles, "stalking," but the idea intrigued me. I did want to know just a little more about her, and I wasn't sure she would call me. (let's face it, they never do....) I did it. I found her. Out of the ridiculous number of people named Diana I could look through, I managed to find her. Surprise!: She's seeing somebody. All right, so now I know she won't call me. Nothing new. Man, I really sound creepy...

Tonight. Ralph talks me into going to Don Pablo's again.
"Hey, Ian, look. She's working today."
"Whatever."
"I hope they don't seat us in her section."
"Why? If anyone should be embarrassed, it's me. And, I'm not."
"Well, then I'll be embarrassed for you."
"Thanks, I guess."
We weren't in her section, and we all spent our time there avoiding eye contact. I also came up with an idea for a new experiment I'm going to conduct. It's my firm belief that 90 to 100% of females my age, who I don't already know (friends, family, coworkers) are seeing someone. And that someone is not me. And there's a problem with that. I'm going to have to start asking people, in a non-creepy or non-threatening manner, if they are seeing somebody. Perhaps those that are single will find it as a lame pickup attempt, and then I will be sure of my second theory: 100% of females my age have no interest in dating me whatsoever.

Never mind.